This is quite horrible to write, not least because I’m starting to realise that ‘triggers’ (things that instantly make me feel depressed) are a thing, and that a lot of the time thinking too hard about how depression affects me is one of them, but that’s a whole different subject. I’m learning quite a lot about things I can do to stop these from having such a strong effect, like walking with my head up instead of looking at the floor, and opening the curtains to see daylight when I wake up, but there is one I don’t have a clue what to do about and that’s my memory.
For a while now I’ve had some trouble remembering things. I ignored it for as long as I could because no one wants to admit they’re going senile in their early twenties, but it’s reached a point where people often get frustrated with me for asking them the same question multiple times, or someone asks about what I did yesterday or this morning and my mind just goes blank.
Because the internet knows all, I looked it up and apparently there’s lots of correlation between signs of less-than-good memory and depression, so as usual it isn’t just me. The problem might actually not be my memory but the fact that I find it hard to concentrate so I don’t retain information that’s only been presented to me once. Which is all very well, but I have no idea how to fix this.
And it needs fixing, because now that I know forgetfulness is related to depression, it’s slightly less terrifying than not knowing what it is but it’s a lot more likely to make me feel worthless and self-hating. Forgetting things, especially responsibilities I have (and there are a lot of those – what were the people who gave me them thinking, I wonder), is annoying and unhelpful, and it mean that I hurt people or let them down. Because that’s what I’m programmed to do.
Just as I was getting there with some of the other depression-things, this has appeared, and I don’t know what to do and I’m scared because I can’t reason myself out of it or make a plan and it might make people stop trusting me. I need them to do that because otherwise I can’t usually do it myself.