I haven’t written for a while because there hasn’t really been anything to say. I’m not better but I’m not really worse. I take my pills, eat my vegetables, go to bed when my bedtime alarm tells me to (yes, really). Now I’m used to my new job I am getting alarmingly good at behaving like a normal person should. I laugh when things are funny, I make jokes, I engage in conversation. Sadly though, to disprove something else in philosophy, it turns out that behaviour and inner mental states are not in strict correlation.
I don’t have any feelings. People say nice things about me, people who have no ulterior motives and can’t know that their words will make their way back to me, and my brain registers how to react but I don’t feel happy. Someone bought me cookies today and my thanks sounded lame and half-hearted because I didn’t mean it, because I didn’t feel any gratitude. I have close friends with family members who are seriously ill and I can’t cry with them. I can’t even cry with myself.
Depression is not being sad, and I wish it was. I want to cry because I’m frustrated at my total incapacity for joy or excitement, even love. I want to cry because I’m tired after a long week. I want to cry because someone I’m close to has to go to hospital soon, and I hate hospitals. I want to cry because I should be upset about how defensive and angry I get (outwardly at least) when I don’t want to admit I’m finding things scary and difficult. I want to cry because then people around me would see a natural behaviour that has a socially acceptable and widely known set of possible responses instead of stepping on eggshells around me. I want to cry when dreadful things happen in the news. I want to cry because I want to be sad.
I used to cry all the time – at school, more than once, I started crying because a friend was crying before I even knew why. I cried watching strangers say their vows on Don’t Tell the Bride. I cried when Sanda Bullock in Miss Congeniality (it’s a very fluffy comedy) said that she really did want world peace. And now I can’t. There are no tears, there is nothing.