I’ve received direct criticism several times in the past few days and although I don’t really have many feelings at the moment, if I did I’d be horrified. It’s not that I think I’m beyond reproach – that mindset was what got me here in the first place – but I do think that people who are nice don’t do horrible things deserving of criticism, and so logically I am not a nice person. But I thought I was, so where did I go wrong?
I’m an empty shell. I’ve been so absorbed in the looking-after-me part of getting better that I’ve forgotten how to relate to other people, or that they might be affected by what I do. I’m selfish because when I was totally unselfish I got hurt a lot and got more depressed and it was horrible, and I’m not very good at happy mediums so now I am totally selfish instead.
Friends ask if I want to spend time with them and I just ignore them and hope they’ll go away, because how will I get better if I keep using up energy on things that aren’t essential? Why do people keep trying to distract me? I don’t know if I can be a friend and a wife and a Rainbow leader and a manager and not be depressed, and people keep saying I should not be depressed so the other things sometimes fall by the wayside.
But I’d rather be depressed than horrible, and since a lot of people would rather be dead than depressed that’s saying something. I do care about people, even if I can’t remember what it feels like at the moment, and I really really want to behave like it too, I just can’t. So I am not a nice person.