It’s pouring with rain in the outside world, but in my head it’s more a sort of heavy cloud. Some of the time I’m fine now but when I’m not fine it still feels like I haven’t made any progress at all, extremes of emotion will be forever beyond my reach and acting normal is just too much like hard work. I went out for lunch with a group of colleagues the other day and spent most of it thinking how effortlessly everyone else seemed to excel at being interesting and lively and maybe I was like that once but it’s so long ago I can’t remember. Winter has been long and dark but without making some kind of graph I don’t know whether the weather really has much of an effect on me.
But let’s pretend it does, in which case if I’ve been getting better through the winter (maybe?) I should get even better through the summer. I’ve got a plan, I’m going to exercise lots and avoid the crushing disappointment of being just quite good at my job by working super hard and being amazing, and that’s going to give me loads of energy so I can socialise and be fun and interesting and then everything will be great. Because shoving my inability to deal with crises (for ‘crises’ reading ‘my imperfections’) under the carpet and just not having any crises is definitely a long term solution. Must be worth a go.
Because, for all my progress, there’s still no middle ground. Either I am well or I’m not; everything is awesome or it’s the worst day ever; I’m the best or I’m nothing. I’m very adept at acting like this isn’t the case for 90% of the time now, and maybe that is progress too, but for the remaining 10% I wish I didn’t exist. I hate myself, I get so sad I sometimes have to fight back tears at my desk on a normal day at work. I go home and I’m not interested in anything. Anything. So, at least my time in the underworld doesn’t take up half my life like it did for the real Persephone, but the time it does take makes itself felt long after I’m back in the sun. So who knows if the summer will make any difference?