Still tired. Still bombarded by Facebook ‘memories’ which alternate between telling me how much fun I was having several years ago and showing me old posts from this blog which remind me I seem to have got precisely nowhere in terms of getting better. I went to work today – not quite at the stage where I’ll have to take a day off to recover from burning out, but I can feel that coming. I even had a fairly productive day, getting in reasonably early and leaving before I’d completely ground to a halt.
But, now I’m home and there is nothing to do for anyone except myself, I have just stopped. The sofa is my comfort zone, from which only basic needs like hunger and going to the toilet can remove me. There is too much in my head and I’ve staved it off a bit by looking through old photos but now I can’t even be bothered to do that and it’s about to turn to mind-numbing online repetition – Buzzfeed (which recently told me my responses to a quiz meant I ‘don’t have [my] shit together and have low standards) and looking at people in my Facebook feed who seem to be sharing the good parts of their lives but wouldn’t want me to share my grim reality.
I should go to zumba tonight because exercise is good, but I’ve pulled a muscle and it will make me tired and can I cope with being tired? I’ll enjoy it when I’m there but what if I’m exhausted tomorrow and regret it, but what if it’s just the depression saying that because it wants me to think I can’t cope, but what if it isn’t? I can’t risk wearing myself out any more. No one else cares if I go to zumba, I’m not letting anyone down, nothing depends on it. It’s not like work or Rainbows or Junior Church, the things I *have* to be available for. So I’ll sack it off.
I feel panicky. If you took a photo of my face right now I would look scared. My heart is racing and I’m a bit light-headed and the only thought in my head is ‘I can’t – I can’t – I can’t -‘. I can’t get off the sofa, I can’t carry on being a nervous wreck like this, I can’t imagine getting better. I just listened to a podcast about how positive thinking might actually be bad for you and now I don’t know whether it’s OK to think I’ll never get better in case it’s true or whether it’s purely a symptom that I need to throw off, but I’m so jealous of anyone who has been through depression and out of the other side that I can’t bear to let myself hope in case it never happens for me. I couldn’t take the disappointment.
And meanwhile I’ll just keep going, forcing myself to load the dishwasher and complete tasks at the office and eat a balanced diet and water the plants and go to church and act like I have feelings even though I don’t or they’re not the right ones, because if nothing else it fills the time. There will be good days, but this isn’t one of them.